omg i've been in a "STATE" today. a state of mental turmoil, frustration, annoyance, hopelessness, and an overall feeling of "bleh" (not even "blah").

so why?

1. i ain't gettin' any younger...halloooo!? 31 is evil!
   
2. certain life milestones are taking too long to happen and its getting me worried
   
3. i want to complain but i cannot because the time's not right
4. i want to complain but think i shouldn't because i shouldn't HAVE TO!
5. just ate a powdery cookie and got it all over me.
6. i recently remembered how much i hate this time of year, how people get "busy" with absolutely nothing, how people forget other people, how selfish people are. (i was trying to be christmasey and joyful, but i got a dose of reality really quickly)
7. because i worry too damn much about shit
8. because i care too much about people that don't seem to care enough about me. so why should i care so much?
9. i feel like i have to do more with my degree. sooner than later or later than sooner? but eventually yes.
   
10. this job's not cuttin' it. its embarassing to not be able to take paid time off. what the hell!
11. is sick of planning her own shit.
12. wants people to take more initiative.
13. wants people to COMMUNICATE! not even communicate better, but to communicate period!!!! something, anything ... let me in!

and i could give a rat's ass who reads this. i gotta stop caring about all this privacy and "don't let anyone know i have problems" bullshit. everyone's got crap; some worse than others.

oh whatever.

Labels: personal, rant

so ive had a lot of crap on my mind. guess i should unload in a safe-internetish sort of way.
(1) art show was @#$in' annoying because 2 out of 3 of my pieces weren't up for dumb reasons= one wouldn't stick its backing and the other shadowbox, something fell in it. two things i could have EASILY fixed had i been notified prior... hey, at least the only one that made it wasnt by the bathroom or nuthin. geesh. my juju was upset too for being told one of his pieces was sold for 1/3 of its price by mistake, and then being told it was taken back- because guy wouldnt pay what it was worth. wtf. i think i'm giving up on these particular shows for a while. i'll just keep doing my thing. plus the pretentiousness at these shows is as ridiculous as you would expect.
(2) my parents need to get a divorce
(3) i need to feel better, physically. this is annoying already and i'm having all sorts of weirdness today, nausea, headache, rapid heart beats, wtf. antibiotic is done and what needed to be gone is not yet and its unnerving.
(4) halloween is coming and i want to dress up.
(5) i have too many ideas for too many businesses, developments, plans- one of them needs to get executed soon. im sick of seeing seriously dumb young people on tv bragging about having their own businesses and things just cuz half of them had parents with the financial means so they can do it early in life. i think all i'm waiting for is to find a place i'd want to do it in. permanently.

enough for now.
im frustrated.

Labels: personal, rant

so i'm sitting at home with cramps from a post-LEEP mini-surgery laser show; hoping all the stupid evil cells are gone. it hurt and it's still hurting. plus i feel all confused and wierd and mentally drained.
apparently my squeaky cells were too evil to freeze, so they had to be zapped! like han solo on a stormtropper!
anyway,
"These treatments are almost always effective in destroying pre-cancers and preventing them from developing into true cancers."
goodie gumdrops. we'll see.

anywho like ive told people, i've made peace with it and i don't care anymore. whatever happens, happens.
\
so i said i'm home, and well, i'm bored. so i've been polyvoring like a madwoman. and now i'm hungry so i guess i'll eat.

what a dull post.

Labels: leep, personal, polyvore, rant

stupid stupid stupids. im so exhausted, mentally.
yes, its always a "rant"

there are too many variables out of place at the moment and its driving me insane.
too much negativity
too much worry
too much insecurity
too many fears
no reassurance
no plans, much less future plans
no safety net

how the hell do people make it out there?
and
why do i have to have all this nonsense around me at all times. why can't things just be a little
simpler?

Labels: personal, rant

doing not so great.
had terrible dreams last night. recurring on and off most of the night on the topic i dont really want to think about much less write about at this point.
i fell asleep around 2 am, remember waking at 3, then at 430, then a quarter to 6 then again at 645 to then have to get up at 7 am.
it sucked!
plus waking up all sweaty in the middle of the night. wtf.
scratch scratch what i just wrote.
ok
so i'm researching immune system support supplements. so far have found that mushrooms are king. hm. dr.weil says so. will continue to research. need all the help i can get.

Labels: mood, personal